Excuses and the Friggin' Moon

The assignment: excuses that really aren't so good. I included the prewrites because some are pretty funny.

A woman misses her flight by an hour…because the hubcap came off of her boyfriend’s Beemer in four lanes of traffic and he insisted on pulling over and retrieving it, despite the fact that he pulled over on the left shoulder, it happened a mile back, and it landed in the middle of the second to the furthest right lane. Traffic was non-stop, and averaging 70 M.P.H., but he would get the damn hubcap.

A college student oversleeps and misses a chemistry final…because she ate a head of cabbage and bad milk two days ago, got food poisoning which had caused her to stay in bed the whole time, hoping and praying that she would be better by the final, but she slept through the alarm because it was her body’s way of telling her that sleep was more important to her health than a chemistry final was to her life.

Your mortgage payment is two weeks late…because you hit a dog that happened to be a prizewinning poodle of your neighbors, and although you could never truly make up for the loss of poor sweet Trixie McDuff (who shouldn’t have been let loose in the first place, stupid animal), you had to pay the stud fee for breeding another show dog to poor Trixie McDuff’s mum, and refund the competition fee for the upcoming dog show that poor Trixie McDuff would not be competing in, after all.

You missed your mate’s birthday…because her mom called you two days ago and said she was calling the radio station to have them announce it, and no it wasn’t today, but she always liked to give them three days notice, just a little heads up before the big day, did I want to add anything to the message? I swear.

You greeted someone familiar using the wrong name…because I was thinking so much about that algebra class that I’m failing miserably, and the teacher’s name is Ms. Lauren and she wears the same Cavalli stockings as you with her black knee-length skirt, and that’s all I saw before I greeted you…her, thinking it was her, not you, hoping that by being super cheery she might boost my grade up just a tad.

You ran a red light…because the only thing remotely resembling a headlight that was anywhere near my line of very good vision was the friggin’ moon.

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It was 12:30 and Tricia still hadn’t arrived. I sat on the couch and listened to the clock tick off the seconds, tick, tick, tick, and strained my ear for any sounds from outside that might be Tricia. She had promised that she would end the date early and be home by midnight so we could have a cram study session before the sociology test tomorrow. As usual, it was long past when she was expected and she was nowhere to be found. I yawned and decided to head to bed; cramming would have to wait until tomorrow.

I was just about to drift off to sleep when I heard the door to our room open, and Tricia’s voice. “Hey, stranger, wake up. What about that test?”
I sat up, threw my favorite sweatshirt on, and pulled myself into a sitting position. “Well, it’s 1:08. I had wanted to be in bed by about 1:00 or so, which is why I said we should start at midnight. It’s clearly no longer midnight.”
“I know, I heard you, really, I did. But it was just this date, this guy…he wouldn’t let me leave! It was like, he just kept talking and talking and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise to tell him that I had to leave. Finally I had to sleep with him just to get him to shut up for fifteen minutes, so I could get home to you. And then, to top that off, I got pulled over by a cop at that light outside town, the one no one stops at in the middle of the night, because no one’s around. He pulled me over, did his whole “license and registration” thing, and then “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I figured I looked cute enough to be able to get out of it, so I played dumb. “No ossifer, why did you pull me over?” Okay, I didn’t say ossifer, but I should’ve. He would’ve loved that. Then he accused me of running a red light. Isn’t it totally legal when there are no cars around? Isn’t that a law somewhere? It should be. Anyways, he said he pulled me over for running a red, and then asked if I’d seen any other cars’ headlights while I was going through the light at full speed. Full speed, my ass, I was doing no more than fifty. So I told him that the only thing resembling a headlight that was anywhere near my line of very good vision was the friggin’ moon! I guess he didn’t like that too much because he started filling out the ticket thing, and no amount of tears would stop him. And that, my dear, is why I am late, through no fault of my own!”